Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.