OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.