HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
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Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Miscakes
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.