How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
At least my masseuse has my back.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
brian had himself a morning…
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.