Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
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[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
the greatest twitter interaction
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?