Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
You Might Also Like
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Generation gap…
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”