The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.