She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.