No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
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wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
cyclists
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Waiting for the Charmin
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.