God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
My new favorite headline
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide