[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down