ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER