I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Wednesday
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.