My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
You Might Also Like
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY