Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.