Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.