I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
You Might Also Like
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”