Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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moms in horror movies
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.