You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.