[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You Might Also Like
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
January has been Januweary
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.