Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
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I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard