I love you…
…r dog.
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.