my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
this could fix me
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I’m aging like a fine banana
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude