I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Catering service
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony