All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Grandmother clock.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒