You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud