Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
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ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope