Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I’m having an out of money experience.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.