Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*