Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
You Might Also Like
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving