my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Self-cleaning conscience
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Siri: Retweet me.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins