I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
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Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”