[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
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Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
I love you…
…r dog.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.