I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I wish I could veto my bills.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.