“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules