By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.