*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
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What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Damn he played himself
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.