o shit
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
this is so top tier i cant
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song