Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
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“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work