Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there