Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
checking out some reviews of my local library
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex: