Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
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20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Natty or not?
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.