[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
it be like that
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.