I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.