Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
a lot to unpack here
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Respect
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah