The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
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Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.