after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
OH. COME. ON.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*offers Batman cough drops*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes