Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean