Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’m doing the lords work (judging)