I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
How software testing works
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.